‘Farted Covid variant can be stopped’ say researchers

LATEST: Nicky Tams contract for 200 million bits of string to go Boris Chum at BAE!

According to the often flatulent Torygraph yesterday:

Covid could be spread through flatulence, say ministers: Source says officials have read ‘credible-looking stuff’ [stuff? data?] on the theory from other countries including Australia

The widespread and often irresponsible, regardless of leg quality, wearing of short shorts in Oz triggered the first outbreak of the Farted Variant two weeks ago. The recent hot spell in the UK has enabled it to spread like wildfart, reaching a party on Ben Nevis only yesterday.

Fortunately, Dr Roman Cum Braccis, Senior Lecturer in Victorian Farm Fashion at the New University of Shepton Mallet in Somerset , has come forward with a simple solution – string tied below the trousered knee! This, of course, is an old method to reduce ferret injuries to the testicles.

Researchers at the University’s Fertiliser Research Centre in Bishop’s Lydeard, have since shown a 27% reduction in foul aerosols detected by their 4th year students after sniffing a random sample of local farmer’s legs.

The University staff and students are now all in isolation.

Tourists from Scotland are advised to keep their face masks on and maybe even wear two.

10 thoughts on “‘Farted Covid variant can be stopped’ say researchers

  1. Wow! Nicky Tams reduce infection from farty covid?
    Well, generations of farm workers and miners used NT’s, and now-a-days there are few of either, so a potential source of expertise has gone, doomed by the Tories.

    Of course we can get “stuff” in the Torygraph, Herod, Hootsmon and BBC Hootsmon. Believe it if you dare.

    We also get “stuff” in Scorrish (sic) Labour and Tory manifestos’.
    Better known as “stuff and nonsense”!

    And of course the Brit Nits think they have “stuffed” our independence movement simply by “England” saying NO.
    There is a rude awakening coming………………………………..

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Verse four of a Scottish bothy ballad/song from about 1900.

      “I’m coortin’ bonnie Annie noo, Rab Tamsons kitchen-deem,
      she is five-and-forty an I but seiventeen;
      She clairts a muckle piece tae me wi different kinds o jams,
      Aye, an tells me ilkie nicht that she admires ma nicky tams”

      Verse two of this poem alludes to the “grip and word” of “The Horseman’s Word”–an initiation ceremony for fully fledged horsemen–and involved witchcraft and “shaking hands wi the Devil” which supposedly gave a “made” horseman power over both horses and women.

      The Good old Days of yore.

      Liked by 2 people

    2. “Wow! Nicky Tams reduce infection from farty covid?
      Well, generations of farm workers and miners used NT’s…”

      And none of them died of Covid – so it must be true!

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Given these revelations it has been decided to re classify the Kent variant
    As it is a well known fact that it only appeared and entirely due to the inactions then considerably delayed action from a dithering,blethering And gambling individual
    Consequently the Kent variant is offically
    The BORIS variant, how any failed to notice the smell is beyond belief

    Liked by 1 person

    1. And of course the Delta variant should be known as BORIS 2.
      The notorious Captain Covid delayed closing the border with India as he was due a visit.

      As the old hymn had it–

      “Too late, too late, the maiden cried,
      Lifted her wooden leg and died”!

      No I don’t know what it means, either.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m lost for words, I really am. It’s a good idea to put your troosers into your socks when outdoors I find, stops critters biting your ankles. Below the knee wouldn’t help much, and anyways, have you seen the amount of folk wearing shorts at the moment, do they really have to? That’s probably a contributing factor as well, all letting off wind at will while wearing shorts, pooh, and pah!

    Like

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