Sajid Javid's 'empathy' will help him on immigration policy, says ...
The junior minister, left, on a visit to another dimension

Junior minister for the Home Office, Christopher Ian Brian Mynott Philp, has been dispatched north to ‘clean’ the situation in Glasgow after the stabbing incident in a hotel housing asylum seekers.

Philp, who has a Masters degree in quantum physics insists the Home Office has a proud record of protecting vulnerable asylum seekers though he could not say in which parallel universe, of the infinite number quantum physics chappies like he, and his many versions, believes exists, this was the case.

In an effort to ‘clean’ the situation, Philp and his colleagues have approached the SNP leader of Glasgow Council ‘to raise specific concerns about the hotel accommodation.’ It is confidently expected that the Home Office investigation will conclude that SNP Glasgow Council’s hotel inspectors are to blame in some way.

The GMB and Scottish Labour are expected to provide evidence from their jannies working in the hotel to back up the Home Office case.

The company actually responsible, Mears, are not expected to be mentioned at all except in the next honours and political contribution lists.