Reflections on cowardice in my 70th year

Reflections on cowardice in my 70th year

This is personal but I hope telling it will help me and, perhaps, a reader or two.

Ten years ago, when I sold all my vinyl and gave most of my books away, I told myself and others that I was ‘de-cluttering’ in preparation for the last call.

Today, I feel ready to attempt to cast off baggage far more difficult to be rid of – self-contempt.

For some time, I’ve referred to a mild form of autism underlying my political behaviour. I think on the positive side, it’s there, in the bloody-minded perseverance, sharp sense of injustice and over-the-top piling up of evidence.

I only started to think about this in my 40s when I’d been reading about autism and realised it made sense as an explanation of some of what I do and at times feel a bit embarrassed by. In particular, there’s the need to constantly work at eye-contact and the anxiety about physical proximity, other than with the one.

The most beneficial consequence of thinking this way, however, was when I realised it might let me off the hook of shame in my childhood.

All my days at school were filled with fear of bullying. Objectively, I may have experienced no more than many others did, but I punished myself constantly with it and, crucially, my inability to fight back. I saw that simply as cowardice. I feel sure that others did too. It’s possible that some who follow my political activity today remember me that way.

What a self-diagnosis as borderline autistic, especially in those days, did for me was to explain an experience I’d had of physical violence when, during the incident, I’d realised with surprise, that it was not the physical pain but the intimacy of the bully and his body, that horrified me.

Reading later that for some bullies the pleasure in violence against a weaker male is a form of socially permissible homo-eroticism, further re-assured me.

In early adulthood, a former bully sat beside me on a bus and apologised for what he had done. I lied that it was forgotten.

13 thoughts on “Reflections on cowardice in my 70th year”

  2. Thank you for this. As the parent of a son diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome at his then age 14 (and possibly grandparent of a now 8 year old) there is an aspect of bullying of the weak you may not have thought of. Bullying affects the whole family. Parents who dread the phone ringing with yet another incident. Siblings who run away so they don’t get dragged in a suffer the same. Thanks again.

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  4. Bullies are Paper Tigers
    At secondary school myself and my pal
    ALWAYS challenged them upon sight of their actions
    And they soon revealed their inner weakness upon such
    We both done so when in front of a crowd
    Which no doubt quickly led to there demise
    One of them early on thought he would show some bravado as a means of saving face
    BIG MISTAKE

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  5. That took courage! Respect for posting, and please keep up the good work in your blog. I’m finding it an essential antidote to the lies and distortion of facts in the MSM and social media. Cheers! Nancy

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  7. Good to read, and definitely not cowardice, it’s a strength to acknowledge
    what you went through. How awful. You could still request via NHS to have an ADOS test, it’s never too late!

    Sadly people on the autism spectrum are vulnerable, and can too often end up being bullied at school, and in later life. Only 15% of people with autism are in work.

    Schools are rife for the bullies, it can be is often a hell on earth for too many children. My twin sister was bullied at school, she was small and bright, I still feel terrible, I wanted her to fight them off herself, so let it go on too long, but eventually stood up to the nasty selfish gang of bullies with a friend, and they backed off.

    My son with serious learning difficulties and autism was seriously bullied at high school. I didn’t realise how bad until he left age 16, when he told me a few things that had happened, it was not so long ago. The thing is, the people in charge did nothing to stop it, in fact he was bullied by a guidance teacher and I was bullied by the head of school! If I could go back, they really would be answering for their dreadful bullying. They of course pick on the vulnerable, the people who are in no position at the time to fight it.

    When I hear of kids ( or adults) being bullied I see red, and especially if those meant to be protecting the victims, just stand by, they are a disgrace.

    I read a good book about bullying in New Zealand schools, and how they managed it. Every school has to have an active anti bullying policy, and act on it. I doubt many schools here have an active anti-bullying policy. An anti bullying strategy really does work, because it lays out what should be done to stop it while protecting the victim, from beginning to end. There are some backward ideas that if an adult steps in, the bullies will only become more vicious. Maybe without a strategy and policy to make sure that does not happen.

    If you put 100’s or 1000’s of people in once place, for hours and days on end, ie schools and workplaces, bullying is sadly very common.

    What do kids learn in school? They need to learn self preservation while caring for their peers, when to spot a bully and what to do about it. They need self esteem, and to know where to go for support. Never accept bullying, stand up to them, and never allow a school to fobb you off if your kids are being treated less than kind by their peers. Bullying outside of school by kids from the school, is still responsibility of the school.

    There is loads of info online, and books of course, most of which I haven’t read, and I should.

    https://www.autismspeaks.org/blog/books-about-autism

    https://www.scottishautism.org/

    Also the NAS. https://www.autism.org.uk/

    Have a watch of Temple Grandin on youtube, she is amazing. On the more extreme end perhaps and she has a lot of wise words to say.

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