Taking advantage of their personal connections, forged in the Young Conservatives theatre group (above-right), Jackson Carlaw has gained access to the ‘evidence’ used by the PM to reduce the 2 metre rule to 1 metre, with a face mask but not in a pub (above-right).

Many of us have wondered why, given that Great Britain is the most successful union in the world, Carlaw has not previously been able to use his connections to get access to the PM’s secret stash of evidence.

The Tusker can reveal that two peer-reviewed studies are key to the PM’s decision:

  1. A mathematical modelling paper produced by Sage in April, and based on past experiments carried out in other countries, concluded that the risk of exposure to the coronavirus “could be 10-30 times higher at one metre compared to two metres.”
  2. An analysis published in the Lancet found the risk of catching the coronavirus whilst standing one metre apart was only around twice that of standing two metres apart – a 2.6 per cent chance compared to 1.3 per cent.

The PM has looked at ‘the science’ which has clearly narrowed down the risk to between 2.6 and 30 times higher, at 1 metre and, as even any minor public school fool can see, points to a 1 metre distance being both good for the economy and ‘perfectly safe’ for the plebs.


The Tusker can reveal that no actual empirical study of the actual viral splash at different distances has ever actually been carried out.

The Tusker’s research ethics adviser, Professor Johnny Robertson, has pointed out that no University ethics committee, these days, would allow such a method.

The only known comparable example by research lead, Alexander Boris ‘Spaffing’ de Pfeffel Johnson (Balliol, Oxford) using Classics students to ‘spaff’ internal bodily fluids up a 14th Century wall, was rejected for publication.