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Professor John Robertson OBA, Scottish Extremism Correspondent

Talking-up Scotland can today reveal shocking rumours, emerging for the Scottish Labour HQ hut, in Royston Vasey, that the latest poll putting Reform UK only one point behind Labour in Scotland and the very real prospect of a Reform UK government in 2029, that Jackie Baillie is mounting a campaign to unseat Anas Sarwar, a well-known Muslim, and lead the party into a merger with Reform UK.

There will be no place for the presence of any minority group easily demonised by the media and so Sarwar will be the first to go. Muslims, extremist democrats, socialists, sociology lecturers, LGBT members and liberal old ladies who object to genocide, will be offered ‘re-education’ in a camp in Perthshire or expelled.

Financial support for the merger will be sought from the GMB, formerly the German-style Master-bakers of Britain union. Initial talks with the GMB have led to the formation of the Brown Boilersuits, a team of apprentice boys to police conferences.

In Stage 1 of the plan, Baillie will meet with Nigel Farage to agree with anything he asks for.

Stage 2 of the plan will be full merger with Reform UK. Baillie has promised to stay on after the merger and change her name to Jackie Gerichtsvollzieher and policies such as ‘British Jobs for British Workers!’, based on the words of former Labour PM, Gordon Brownshirt, will be presented to the members.

Stage 3 of the plan will be adoption of the Old Testament as a manifesto and the singing of Onward Christian Soldiers at conference.

Polls have already indicated that the new RLUK will have some success. Though it may actually strengthen their hated enemies the ‘Separatists’ as minorities and women flee, its hard-right policies will attract many Tories and its presence on the streets, is expected to keep the Lib Dems nervously behind their curtains.

Expert on anything you care to ask, Professor Johann von Robertskinweiner, now at the Universidad Catholica in Uruguay, was consulted but had to be taken away quickly, shouting:

‘Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Hitler! Hitler!….go on ban me! I double dare you………..aaaaaaaaaa’