92% of hospitality businesses confident of survival after learning to combine all sorts of tables

In that home of at best coolness re independence, Insider, we read:

Business activity has risen in Scotland as the wider economy continues to reopen. The Addleshaw Goddard Scottish Business Monitor, published in partnership with the University of Strathclyde’s Fraser of Allander Institute, indicates optimism about the volume of business, employment levels and turnover over the next six months. More than 500 Scottish firms responded to the survey, and the proportion of businesses which have somewhat or very high confidence that they will continue trading through the next six months, has risen from 82.6% in the final quarter of 2020 to 91.8% in the second quarter of 2021.


Wait! I though they were all going under because of Nicola’s lockdown measures?

In October 2020, we heard from the Scottish Hospitality Group that many businesses would not survive past winter, that countless jobs would be lost and claiming:

Sturgeon signs death sentence for Scottish hospitality as new restrictions announced!

In April 2021, we could read in Insider: Scotland’s night time industry “on the verge of collapse.

Throughout the last year, BBC Scotland has regularly punted the notion that ‘Sturgeon’ was destroying businesses. Will they report the unexpected survival of the species?

How did they manage. Was this story typical of the business intelligence required?

FARCE! As our researcher finds solution to ‘non-existent’ 11ft tables

Regulars will know I’ve done this story in a BBC report already but the Herald version is even more farcical.

Senior New Reporter, Martin Williams, tells us:

Pub and restaurant owners are furious that “bombshell” guidance over social distancing indicates that they need to have 11 foot long tables.

Leaving aside that it’s just one restaurant owner who clearly missed the Primary 5 Mathematics class on tessellation (tiling), our Furniture Correspondent, Margaret Robertson (91), suggests this admittedly highly complex solution:

extra long dining tables.jpg

Will lone restauranteur, Carina Contini of Edinburgh, come back with:

That’s all very well but where will I get staff who can do that kind of thing?!!!

Footnote from Margaret: I’ve done it with trapeziums, (trapezia?):

This image has an empty alt attribute; its file name is untitled-149.png

5 thoughts on “92% of hospitality businesses confident of survival after learning to combine all sorts of tables

  1. It is in simple terms what may termend
    In evolutionary matters
    Something all life is pre programed to attempt
    ” Adapt & Survive”
    Elemental my dear Watson

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Just to be clear, are you saying the Stephen Montgummery, Fluffy and Mini-Fluffy triumvirate are uninformed or part of the 8% whose only knowledge of tables is sliding off them completely bladdered ?

    Liked by 2 people

  3. These are the same people who state…..

    “No one in Scotland wants a referendum/Independence”.
    “We must have one policy for the virus” (dae whit yer telt).
    “Ruth Davidson/DRossie et al will all be the next FM”.
    “Scots are not genetically programmed… etc etc”

    And by the way, we are so, so lucky the aliens never got us, as Lord Admiral (of the seven seas and the Minch) Baron Georgio Von Roberstrop warned off.

    Demmed lucky, by Jove!

    Liked by 1 person

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