Face masks are now recommended if you think you might be at risk from the stench of hypocrisy seeping from Scottish Conservatives

Local Conservative Party sub-branch secretaries, from Dumfries to Buchan, have alerted local police after unexplained absences of leading figures, Jackson Carlaw, Alister Jack, Ruth Davidson and David Mundell.

BBC Scotland’s Disclosure team were initially called in to look for the four, after rumours they had been kidnapped by angry SNP supporters witnessing them breaking the lock-down rules. However, the team got lost in the Galloway Hills trying to follow a man fitting the description of Alister Jack. TuSC’s cub-reporter, Chik (14) has managed to find the suspect and he is reportedly not chuffed at the suggestion he looks like Jack. The BBC Disclosure team were still missing at the time of writing.

A man fitting Carlaw’s description was seen looking furtive in the garden of an elderly couple in Perth. TuSC’s cub-reporter, Cheryl (12) tracked him down but he turned out to be the gardener. He too is ‘effin pissed’ to be thought to look like that ‘effin gammon’ Carlaw.

TuSC has been unable to trace Davidson or Mundell. Police Scotland say they have better things to do. So do we.

Reporting Scotland’s Glen Campbell, sporting a strangely pink, shaved-to-the-bone, baldie-heid yesterday, is thought by some to be hiding unnamed Tories in his Islay getaway.